Today I left my lovely wife to go on a long weekend holiday up to Auckland to see my big brother Matt and our uncle Warwick. I’m not much of a blogger but sometimes you just have to share your stories.
I flew up from Wellington on an Air NZ flight and I had the pleasure of sitting in front of two middle aged women who looked a bit like your least favourite teacher from back in the day. The one who clearly hates their job, hates children and is just hanging out for the next break so she can hit the gin that’s hidden in the bottom draw or head out to fag on menthol.
As people were boarding the plane I overheard the two women talking to the cabin crew and complaining that there was a man on board with an offensive T-shirt which had upset some of the passengers. By some I suspected they meant them but I was pretty interested to see who it was and what they were wearing.
I didn’t have to wait long as the cabin crew went and got the senior flight attendant and they went and saw the man with the offending and offensive T-shirt.
And that man was me.
While I had managed not to bring any explosives, box cutters, hand guns, attack dogs or bottled water on board I had clearly missed the memo which ruled out T-shirts with the following logo.
People fall into three categories – those that get this Tshirt, those that don’t, and hate filled bitches with bad hair. This is a quote from the movie “The Princess Bride” and should not be misconstrued as some kind of threat to airline security.
Nevertheless the flight attendent had a job to do and explained the situation to me and asked if I had anything to cover it up. I, barely managing to keep a straight face, lied and said that I didn’t (my jacket was in the overhead locker) and told him that it was a quote from a kids movie and not meant to be offensive to anyone. Except the six-fingered man of course.
He seemed happy with that and went back to relay this to the hoes in next row, telling them that he didn’t think there was anything to worry about. But then the devil must have taken him because he told them “the only option would be for the man to remove the T-shirt and I think his naked body would be even more offensive”. Class.
So now I’m sitting in my seat, trying not to wet myself laughing, when the person next to me leans over and says “give us a look at your offensive T-shirt” and that just set me off. For the rest of the flight and on the way out of the plane I would catch people peering over trying to get a glimpse of their closest encounter with airline terrorism.
Best. Flight. Ever.